Let's take a break from the person who broke my heart and focus on the person whose heart I broke. In my attempt to fill the void, I got on every dating app possible, but nothing seemed to stick, until I tried Feeld. There, I found the community a lot more queer friendly, especially when it came to sexual orientations beyond straight, gay, or bisexual.
It was the end of summer when we matched, and almost immediately, he asked me out on a proper date. He was tall, with piercing blue eyes, and a goofy charm that I find dangerously attractive. Our first date was everything you’d expect from a rom-com montage: dinner, drinks, a walk, and then the inevitable tangled bedsheets. We slid into “dating” without hesitation. I met his friends. I met his son. Yes, his son. Actually, he had a wife too, but they had an open marriage.I had all my doubts answered about how their relationship worked and how they started their ENM journey as a couple.The dynamic was pretty simple, they both knew where the other one was and who they were with, whether it was a date or just a hook up. They could bring them home but they were not allowed to sleep in the bed they shared, just the guest room or couch. And if they saw other people who were in relationships, they´d make sure their partners knew about it too. It all seemed pretty reasonable to me and they also did a great job parenting their son.
By the holidays, Kevin had become my boyfriend.. But also it was around this time that my thing with Ryan started. It was all fine, though. Kevin was supportive and even thought it was cute. Ryan wasn't a big fan of it, he felt like the "other man". As much as I tried to reassure him that it wasn't the case, I could tell this was bothering him. It became even more obvious the night I introduced them to each other, that was nerve-racking.
I threw a party for New Years at my place, I was having aall my friends come over to pregame and then do the countdown to midnight at a bar. Ryan cancelled last minute but it was fine, Kevin was there. When it was time to head to the bars we got separated because of the rides situation, but we were on our way to the same spot so I wasn't worried. My ride got to the bar first, so we went in to wait for the others, I wasn't going to stand in the cold in a lace jumpsuit.
As midnight approached I was getting a bit worried I wasn't going to get my midnight kiss from my boyfriend. Luckily he made it just in time, bursting through the door, he ran towards me, give me the biggest hug and then we kissed.
Happy New Year.
Unfortunately our cute moment was cut short when he told me he needed to head home soon, after all he had a wife. As annoyed as I was, I was also very understanding. The rest of my night wasn't the best. But nothing as bad as what came the next few days. I woke up to a post of Kevin's face. He had bruises and was bleeding. I dont want to get into what happened or what he found when he got home, but let's just leave it at "someone had broken the rules and the situation escalated quickily". Now I had a boyfriend in the middle of a messy divorce, that was a first.
Since the univerwse loves bad timming, it also made sure Ryan went through something very traumatizing (more of that to come). So there I was, worried about my two men, and sad they couldn't share the joy I had because of how good I was doing. I started the year feeling amazing, but all this kind of put an aggresive break on it. I felt bad for feeling good about myself, and that should've been something to discuss during therapy, but I didn't have one at the time.
As my relationship with Ryan became bigger and more complicated with the L word and improper jealousy, I kind of neglected my other relationship. Kevin needed me and to be completely honest, I wasn't there for him when I should've.
By February everything started to feel normal again (as normal as two traumatized boyfriends can be). I flew to California for the first time ever for my friend Kate's wedding. Kevin made sure to spend the night before my flight at my place and drive me to the airport first thing in the morning. That weekend I had he realization that I want to get married some day (Thank you Kate!). But I did not see myself marrying Kevin. That was the beggining of the end.
I came back just in time for Valentine's Day, one of my favorite days of the year. I love love, and hearts, and the color red. I already knew I wasn't going to get much from Ryan, he had a lot on his plate so I was happy I got to spend the night before with him watching horror movies and cuddling while eating candy. I wasn't expecting much from Kevin either, but he did make reservations at a nice restaurant, so I got all dolled up for him and made him a card with a poem I wrote about him. It was short and sweet. I was so excited to finally get a proper valentine, I was wearing a black oversized suit with a lace bodysuit underneath, I felt so sexy.
To my surprise he pulled up in a Power Rangers hoodie, he didn't seem excited about the card at all and even said "I didn't bring you anything, but I guess I am paying for dinner". The disappointment punched me in the face so hard. I tried to put it behind me and asked him how he's been and how's the divorce going, bad idea, He went on a long rant about it, then it turned into just telling me all the things his wife was doing to keep him away from his son, and when I thought it couldn't get any more awkward, he drove right by her place, letting out a "bitch" while we slowly drove passed it.
At the restaurant I decided to numb myself with a fruity Vday themed cocktails. I didn't want to say how much all that had bothered me and make him feel even worse, but now I knew what I had to do. It was also good timing since Ryan was moving in with me and we'd discussed monogamy. So one chill March evening I got picked up by Kevin, I was so nervous. He asked me what I wanted to eat, but before I even answered that I had to rip off the bandaid.
I feel like there's too much on your plate right now to also worry about my feelings.
Ryan is moving in and we talked about being monogamous.
I could see how sad he got after that, like he had let me down. I told him how much I enjoyed our time together and that I'd love to still be friends. We talked more about the situation over some milkshakes, and then he drove me home. As he drove away, I couldn't help but start crying, and just when I felt like the worst person ever, Ryan pulled up. He saw me crying and jumped out of that car as fast as he could, saying goodbye to his sister. He hugged me and didn't say a word until we were both alone.
Months later, I ran into Kevin at a concert. He looked fine, but not the same. And maybe that confirmed it: I’d made the right choice. Still, I think of his goofy laugh and piercing blue eyes sometimes. A what-if. But not one I regret.
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