Nothing can ever prepare you for a loss as big as a close friend, especially in your mid-20s. I first met JJ at the start of my senior year in high school, after my friend Alex mentioned their cousin, who went to another school, told them there was a new kid in her class who was also gay, out, and very American. We joked about them introducing us so we could be gay together and get married, which ended up happening. Not the marriage though, obviously.
JJ first added me on Skype (very 2011), talked about music, and Jell-O, and planned our first non-date at Starbucks. Luckily enough we lived pretty close to each other so it was a quick drive for Mr. American driver's license and a quick walk for me. I honestly can't remember much of it, I was just stunned by this guy's gorgeous blue eyes. After finishing our drinks and calling it a night, he drove me home like the gentleman that he was. I was very excited, it's not common for 17 year olds to be able to drive.
We started talking every day. I was very infatuated by how smart and charismatic he was. He quickly became a significant person in my life. Being the only person out and proud I knew around my age made me feel like I wasn't alone anymore. I remember one night we went to a sweet sixteen together, I could feel people staring at us, but he didn't care about that, and that inspired me to do the same. We got buzzed from some shooters we got before the party and just danced the night away. At the end of the night, my mom picked us up, and we gave sweet drunk JJ a ride. He asked me to come in because he had a present for me, so I did. I went into his room expecting some nicely wrapped Pokemon toy, but instead, I got something way better, a kiss. A kiss I'd think about for years. I got home that night and I felt like I was floating through space. It might have been the shooters, but I like to think our first kiss is what made me feel so light.
Sadly, after only a few weeks he we decided we were better off as friends, and that unfortunately sent me flying back to my ex who, by then, wasn't the biggest fan of JJ. Everyone in our class had made fun of him and how he basically lost me to a "random" American guy from a "rich people" school. Seriously, I don't miss high school at all. I saw JJ hanging out with a lot of gay guys who I was just not very compatible with, and some of them even made me uncomfortable. Not as uncomfortable as his friends from school. It was like a very cheap Peruvian version of Gossip Girl and I was their "little J" ready to get hazed.
I probably should've mentioned, even though I was considered somewhat privileged back home, these people were very VERY privileged. So naturally, some of them were not the nicest. I think a core memory would be sitting at dinner with them asking where I bought my obviously thrifted shirt, because of them got a similar one at Ralph Lauren. All my discomfort during dinner went away when JJ took me home and apologized for their behavior. But mama didn't raise a bitch. I eventually won them over at JJ's birthday and never felt judged by them again, kind of. By the end of the year I even got asked by one of JJ's friends to go to prom with her, just so I could be there with him. He was the Serena to my Blair.
Naturally, I was looking to have him as my date for prom. Me and my boyfriend, who kept me a secret, decided to go with other people. It was 2011, he wasn't ready to be out like me (plot twist: he hasn't come out yet) so we asked close friends as our dates. As in, I told him he was taking my girl best friend, and I was taking JJ because I was not about to have him dancing with some random girl I'd never met. He wasn't that thrilled about it, but I had already picked a dress and a tie for them. I guess you could say this is where I realized I was a control freak. But on the nicer side of it I did ask JJ to be my prom date over dinner with my friends, in the cutest way. I did with fries. He said "yes" with ketchup. Prom was fun, we ended up sneaking out of it to go to a gay bar a block away. JJ knew people there so no IDs needed. It was a beautiful night that ended in me getting slapped in the face with a sweaty chicken cutlet bra. Fun times.
The next day as I was trying to recover from the violent hangover I had, I got a call from JJ to keep the party going at Miranda's again. I'm thankful I didn't go. I got a call the day after, JJ had been in a car accident. They all got a little too drunk, Zach was the least drunk so he decided to drive. I'm not siting on a high horse here, we've all made stupid decisions when we were young.They hit a rock and the car turned a couple times, split in half. The person who was in the back was injured pretty bad. He spent a couple days at the hospital, but he didn't make it. That unfortunate event broke JJ and Zach's relationship. Until today I think it broke a lot more than that.
That was a terrible beginning to a summer that marked my life. But from all the things that happened, I think JJ having my other best friend Maggie over for lunch just to tell her he's in love with me, was the best. I wasn't supposed to know, but she told me anyway because that's what friends do. When JJ and I had a conversation about it though, he said he didn't want to ruin our friendship. Personally, I believe that dating your best friend shouldn't have to ruin anything, even if it ends in a breakup. That, I've come to learn recently, is a big lie, depending on the guy. The "what if" will probably haunt me forever. It wasn't long until he decided to start dating Damien, who I saw as I soft, easier-to-date version of me. Of course.
I think I grew some resentment towards JJ at that point. One that would follow me for the longest time, especially since a lot of people asked me if we were together all the time. We'd go out together, go to parties together, dance together, have dinner he'd cooked for me and cock block each other when we were both single. Just bestie things. It wasn't long until my decaying mental health got the best of me and we started growing apart, fast. At the same time, he started a relationship with Joey, a guy we met through a party favor provider. JJ had his eye on him and somehow managed to get with him, even though he was in a serious relationship. I think that's what did it for me. How could I ever consider dating someone who breaks a couple up? But that's love. You can't really choose who it happens with.
We got to the point of not speaking to each other, mostly my fault. I was dealing with so much I didn't know how to talk to him anymore. In fact, I didn't know how to talk to anyone anymore, all I did was spiral out of control. What a beautiful time. But as I was getting back on my feet again, working on something I actually enjoyed, and had a great support system, he messaged me. He had moved to New York, he was thriving, and I was so happy for him. He told me he was coming to Peru for his birthday and that he really wanted to see me and catch up. I knew this was it. I wanted to tell him everything I felt since day one that I buried in the back of my mind. A few days before we were going to see each other, an accident happened.
I got the call on my way to work. It was our friend in common who lived in Ibiza at the time. I was a little weirded out about her calling me so early, given the different time zones. She told me JJ had died. As soon as I heard those words everything else around me went silent. I had never experienced shock that hard in my life. I managed to walk to work after getting out of the bus, something I don't remember doing. As soon as I sat down at work I broke down. I called my mom and couldn't get the words out of my mouth, but when I did she also went silent. Everything after that is a blur, even visually I remember my eyes crying all the time. It took me a couple days to realize what had happened. It wasn't until we were having our own farewell ceremony with JJ's closest friends, that it hit me. I had lost my chance to tell someone I loved how I felt. And I couldn't tell anybody else. Joey was grieving his boyfriend. I had no right to bring up my feelings, so I just kept them to myself. Until today.
This feeling has followed me into all my failed attempts of relationships. I strongly believe that if you really love someone, you need to tell them because you never know when something like this can happen. It could sound like I'm an intense person, but I have my reasons. Losing JJ was probably the hardest thing I've ever experienced. We always joked about me being the first one to go and how he'd sing "If I Die Young" at my funeral. I sometimes find myself wishing it had been me instead of him. Until this day I find myself grieving. How do you get over your first love when it ended so tragically? Especially when it's been your best-kept secret. April 29 will always be a date I remember.
No comments:
Post a Comment