We started going on that we'd call "bestie time" which is non-dates that somehow now included sleeping together. It was all innocent fun, but of course, I started catching feelings. How could I ruin something so fun? I was not about to.
I invited him to my New Year’s Eve party. I had some friends over to pregame before heading out to be chaotic at a bar. Ryan didn’t give me an answer until the day of , and it was a no. But it didn’t matter; I had Kevin. Well, for 45 minutes into the new year, until he left to see his wife. And we already know how that turned out.
Tragedy came quickly after. Ryan’s roommate snapped and pulled a gun on him and his girlfriend, Betty. I won’t give details about what happened, but let’s just say Ryan and Betty spent the week after glued together, “trauma bonding” and “taking care of each other.” Why was I upset about that? I had a whole boyfriend who I also cared about. It was the worst time to have messy and complicated feelings. I felt like such a hypocrite. After his encounter with mortality, I wasn't going to make the same mistake I made with JJ and not tell him. I loved him. And he loved me too.
It wasn't long until Ryan came over again so we could have a conversation in person. I felt weird about being with him after what happened with Betty. But then he showed up at my door with a fresh haircut and those sad, glassy eyes that softened me in an instant. He cried as I held him and told him I'd missed him. That night, he told me the whole story again, how close he’d felt to death. I couldn’t help crying too. This man I was falling madly in love with was going through hell, and I couldn’t fix it. I swallowed my bitter feelings, though eventually they slipped out.
One cold January night, I got a little too vodka drunk at Sabrina's, then we went out to meet Ryan. I gave him all the attitude in the world that night. I was selfish and bratty. Part of it was because of how distant he’d felt while texting me earlier, and part of it was just me being dramatic. He was just a guy dealing with traumatic events happening, including now questioning his sexuality. Back at Sabrina's, as she cuddled up to her boyfriend, I got a text from Ryan, who was sitting across from me. "Can I please drive you home?" I don't remember much once we got there, just the feeling of falling asleep with him by my side.
We hit our honeymoon stage hard. But even then, we avoided saying the D word. I didn't know what we were doing. He'd stay for days at my place, mostly weekends. We'd devour movies, shows, junk food and each other. The sex? AMAZING. So inevitably, I had to ask him one night, before we went out on another bestie night out, I climbed on top of him, got face-to-face, and asked the question most men are afraid of.
He smirked."I guess we're dating". And just like that, we broke our promise to keep it fun and casual. I gave him a sweet kiss, and as I pulled away, I thought, "This one's going to hurt". Mr. Casual got an upgrade to boyfriend, but at the moment, it felt right. I had two boyfriends whom I adored so much, and I felt the love back. But then Valentine’s Day happened, and feelings got a bit more complicated because why would I be able to enjoy love, right?
No comments:
Post a Comment