We've all had realizations that land softly, like a whisper. Others hit us hard, like a slap on the face. But this one... this one hit me like a big yellow bus.
Let's rewind to February 2024. I took a little break from Denver to go to California for my friend Kate's wedding. After the stress of actually getting there, I squeezed in the full LA sampler: Malibu by day, West Hollywood by night, Santa Monica Pier for good measure. My tour guide was Drew. He'd also moved to the US from Peru but opted for the fabulous, and overpriced, life in California. For a second, I forgot everything about Ryan and Kevin and just thought about how much I'd missed the ocean.
The next morning was pure chaos. I had to check into a motel in Long Beach, somehow get there from Santa Monica without a car (because I don’t drive), get ready, and get to the venue. Drew had to run to work last minute, so I was stranded. Enter Javi, a friend who hadn’t made time to see me during my trip but swooped in with an offer: he’d pay for my ride. I wasn’t going to accept, but I was exhausted and desperate. So thank you, Javi. I made it to Long Beach with enough time to shower, snack, and get wedding ready
I arrived and as I said hello to familiar faces, nostalgia started to hit me. I’d met Kate when I was 17, back when she was an exchange student in Peru. Some of her old circle were there too, including Sebastien. He was the youngest of the exchange students, the quiet one from back then, now grown, still soft-spoken but with an easy charm. We sat together at the ceremony, which was beautifully decorated with flowers, set to Taylor Swift songs, and so emotional during the vows that I could not hold it and started crying. Me? crying? I know, it sounds like I do that a lot, but never at weddings. And suddenly it hit me.
I want to get married
At dinner, Sebastien and I also sat together. We enjoyed dinner and drank a lot of wine, as the night went on, I found myself holding his hand occasionally or us just looking at each other and giggling. I didn't think much of it because it's Sebastien, but the tension was there. At one point, I slipped out for a bathroom break, and there he was. Sebastien asked if he could have a cigarette, and of course, I said yes. Any excuse to have a smoke break. I don't remember much about what we were talking about, but suddenly he grabbed my face and kissed me. I was startled for half a second, then kissed him back. It was quick, fleeting, but charged. What’s a kiss between old friends anyway?
The cherry on top was the afterparty at Kate's place. They had ordered In-N-Out catering, a table loaded with burgers, fries, and cake. After all that wine, it was like heaven for me. I couldn't stay long since I had an early flight the next day, so I just said my goodbyes, no unexpected kisses this time, just the feeling of happiness to see old friends doing so well.
On the flight home, the realization replayed in my head, bringing questions with it. If I wanted marriage, who would it be with? Ryan? Kevin? Neither? Would one of them even want that with me? Should I just ditch them both and move to California? Not the most rational train of thought, but it kept me entertained for the three-hour flight.
Kevin picked me up from the airport. He looked like he'd been up all night, which he told me he had been. He went on a date the night before, and it went pretty well. I did not want to know more. As I unpacked my bags and my thoughts by myself, I got a text from Ryan, reminding me about the Super Bowl and how the Chiefs were winning, all because he knows how much I like Taylor Swift. They say to be loved is to be seen, and as much as I'm looked at, I'd never felt seen by many people, so that felt like the answer to a lot of my questions. Isn't love just insanely blinding?
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