California was a dream, back in reality, it was time to deal with Valentine's day. Chatting with Sabrina she let me know Ryan was a little worried about Valentine’s Day because he couldn’t afford a present or dinner or anything. To be honest I wasn’t expecting anything because I knew he was struggling with money, but your girl never loses hope. I wrote him a small poem I wish I still remembered. There are no traces of it on my phone either. Anyway, it was a cute poem I’m sure he still has in his wallet (or lost it like he lost all feelings towards me)
A very tired Ryan came to my place after work and we spent the evening just watching a movie and relaxing. I brought up my date with Kevin the night before, but didn't seem very interested in it. Obviously it made him feel some sort of day, but I reassured that he didn't need to feel bad about not giving me a Valentine's day gift or a fancy steak dinner. He spent the night and the next day it was like Valentine’s Day didn’t even happen. I wasn’t upset or anything, maybe next year I will have my flowers and chocolates. Or a ring. (Plot twist: no)
It was around this time Ryan told me he found a place, finally. He’d been staying at his dad’s and some nights at his mom’s. Not ideal but at least that helped him save some money for whenever he found a place. He was moving with his friend Ben, a fellow struggling musician (who is definitely not a coke dealer). He had also gotten a job that paid very well and included tips. Sweet baby boy was finally getting back on his feet. However, they ended up messing up their dates so now a Ryan needed a place to stay because he couldn’t deal with his parents' rules anymore. I didn’t think much of it back then. Silly me.
He asked me if it would be ok if he stayed with me for a couple weeks or a month. I hesitated at first, I had never lived with anyone before. But at that point he was spending 5 days in a row at my place. We had our little routine for when I had to work. And on the days I was off we’d spend the morning watching SpongeBob or South Park while devouring breakfast burritos from the coffee shop down the street. I was truly happy with this relationship. I felt so comfortable. Dating him was just like having my best friend with me most of the time because he was, but add sex (did I mention really good sex?)
The weekend before he was supposed to move in he pulled his first disappearing act. We had a date planned and he completely ghosted for a whole day because he was sleeping. He got very upsetting news that morning (allegedly) and vanished without a trace for 12 hours. He woke up to a very angry message from me and he acted like nothing happened. After crying over the phone about how I was the most important thing in his life and how my support meant everything, I had already made plans with my friends. We planned his funeral*. I agreed to let him come over.
It was a very awkward night I don't remember much of. After a quick drink at a bar, we were back at my place. Just us two. He broke down again telling me how he couldn't lose me. After hearing him for a few minutes I also started crying. I can be mean when I want to be but it doesn't mean I like it. I got over it pretty quick when I hugged him and let him stay the night (or as my therapist would say "you ignored the red flags")
That weekend went by fast. He started working that weekend at a pizza place I won't mention by name. And on Monday he had his first work party. He told me he could bring a plus-one and I was the lucky one. However, that started a whole new spiral thanks to old trauma of mine courtesy of all of the men I've tried dating seriously before.
*Every time a man has done me wrong I've thrown a "funeral" for them. My friends come over all dressed in black and we talk shit about the deceased over drinks. Crying has only happened once.
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