sunkissed postmortem

Work turned into a harsh reality check. I managed to stay productive while dealing with a heavy heart.

I grieved you.

Grieving is such an interesting thing when you don't know you're doing it. 

I lost you.

And we finally got to the point in the story where my villain's arc starts. At least that's what I feel the narrative is.

I loved you.

California was a dream, back in reality, it was time to deal with Valentine's day. Chatting with Sabrina she let me know Ryan was a little worried about Valentine’s Day because he couldn’t afford a present or dinner or anything. To be honest I wasn’t expecting anything because I knew he was struggling with money, but your girl never loses hope. I wrote him a small poem I wish I still remembered. There are no traces of it on my phone either. Anyway, it was a cute poem I’m sure he still has in his wallet (or lost it like he lost all feelings towards me)

something old, something new

We've all had realizations that land softly, like a whisper. Others hit us hard, like a slap on the face. But this one... this one hit me like a big yellow bus. 

I heard you.

We started going on that we'd call "bestie time" which is non-dates that somehow now included sleeping together. It was all innocent fun, but of course, I started catching feelings. How could I ruin something so fun? I was not about to. 

scenes from a (very) modern marriage

Let's take a break from the person who broke my heart and focus on the person whose heart I broke. In my attempt to fill the void, I got on every dating app possible, but nothing seemed to stick, until I tried Feeld. There, I found the community a lot more queer friendly, especially when it came to sexual orientations beyond straight, gay, or bisexual. 

i kissed you.

When most people reflect on the beginning of a meaningful relationship, they often say it started with a friendship. Ryan and I had become close in that way. Our weekends were filled with late-night hangouts, where the world seemed to slow down and we’d lose ourselves in music and long conversations. I never expected to find common ground in the songs we loved, yet there he was 

adorably vibing to Carly Rae Jepsen. It only made me like him even more, though I kept it buried. He was just my quirky, straight friend Ryan.

oh hi

 I´m know not only for my wit, standoffish attitude and great eyebrows, but also for starting projects and never finishing them because I get bored easily, or I have undiagnosed ADHD. Whatever it is, I don´t care, I´m back on here to continue to write my story because a strawberry blonde inspired me to. So thank you B.

i met you.

I've been dreading this entry because as I'm writing it I'm still in my grieving process (may 2024). Ironically enough I had written our story down as it unfolded, so it should be easy to lay it out here. And if you are reading this (you know who you are), know that this is my experience of our relationship and I hope you find joy in the simple truth: it happened as it was meant to.

do you believe in love after COVID?

Now fully vaccinated and ready to start my new life. I decided it was time to start socializing a little bit. I had a taste of what a gay club looked like and I also had a very chaotic first experience with recreational party favors. I was fully acclimated and ready to take over Denver. Or so I thought.

it’s a new life and I’m not feeling good

I never thought it would take me this long to tell my story, especially since the whole purpose of this is getting to 2024, but patience is a virtue (ironically enough I don't have any). Going back to where we left off in 2021.It took a whole month to get my passports and ID sorted in order to travel to Colorado for my cousin's wedding. I was ready for a very well-deserved vacation after the shit show that was the 2010s for me. Getting all my documents, in order, and packing was a nightmare. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

love in the times of corona

As you might have guessed by now, I'm a lover, I love love. I'm also a very social person, so when covid hit, one thing I missed the most in the middle of lockdown was my decently busy social life. Yes, we had Zoom meetings for work and even Zoom birthday parties where I'd get drunk in my room with my friends, but that's not the same. However, in between the madness of what had become the new normal, I managed to find someone special.

the year the Earth stood still

I still remember when I'd hear the news about the virus in China and think "that sucks, oh well..." and then I'd move on with my day. Then the first case appeared in America, then Latin America, and eventually the first case was confirmed in Peru and everyone started to freak out. One day, in the middle of work we got sent home as a way of precaution since there had been a lot of new cases of covid. Little did we know it was going to be 3 months until any of us came back to work.

04.29.19

Nothing can ever prepare you for a loss as big as a close friend, especially in your mid-20s. I first met JJ at the start of my senior year in high school, after my friend Alex mentioned their cousin, who went to another school, told them there was a new kid in her class who was also gay, out, and very American. We joked about them introducing us so we could be gay together and get married, which ended up happening. Not the marriage though, obviously.

one hundred years of solitude part 3

Have you ever heard "What goes up must come down"? I don't think I've ever felt a fall more violent than when I struggled with money at the same time I was struggling with my mental health. As much as I'm embarrassed of the life I was living back then, I can say if it hadn't been for the struggles, I wouldn't be where I am right now. Grateful and wise beyond my years (words used by my therapist) There were a lot of things I needed back then, but a job was the first thing I needed.

one hundred years of solitude part 2

2015 was also kind of all over the place. I can barely remember it. Usually it merges with 2016 and 2017 a lot in my mind, probably because I was in such a bad state mentally. Poor me. Starting the year with a court session with my dad who sued me (not getting into it. I love the man), and the big news was I had to go to film school (actually any kind of school). This year was starting with the wrong foot and that foot really stepped on it.

everybody loves counting

As I mentioned in my last post, Daniel, Chiara, Stephen, Aria, and I had a very chaotic night in November 2014. We all went out for beers, which naturally turned into shots and a very daring game of "Truth or Dare". I know, so high school. We were all, in some way, dealing with some bullshit. Stephen had just broken up with George, Aria had broken up with Mabel, Daniel was conflicted about his sexuality, I was going through dark times. Perfect recipe for chaos.

one hundred years of solitude pt 1

I struggled with how I could start telling the story of what the last ten years have been for me. 

Where do I start? 

How much can I share? 

Is it even worth telling this story?

Should I use real names?

Is this healthy?

I don't have the answer to most of those questions but I can definitely start by saying 2014 was a very wild year for me. I'll start with New Year and how I met some people you'll read about a lot in the little stories I'm about to post, I hope they don't mind me talking about it, but if they end up knowing about this, then that means I've reached a lot more people than I expect right now.

Hello stranger, it's been a while

It's been 10 years since I started this short-lived "fashion and love" blog. It feels nostalgic coming back to it and almost ironic that I'm doing it because it's a coping mechanism after my first "real" and serious relationship. Now, it is very easy to blame the guy and call him names after a breakup because of the things he did, but if you heard the story from both sides you'd know there are no "bad guys" here, it was probably just bad timing, or at least that's what I've been telling myself. He's not a bad guy, he just hasn't been loved properly before, and to be fair, I can be a very intense person.

Our relationship developed naturally, which is why I think of it as my first real one. Nothing forced. No games. Just two friends who fell in love. But as beautiful as it was, it was also very chaotic. Nothing I'm not used to, it's been a very chaotic decade, but I'm here to, in a way, share what I've learned as I approach my thirties. It could be that one day, a queer kid will find this blog and will light up a little hope sparkler in them. I can confidently say I'm becoming the person that 19-year-old me needed. Maybe even 5 year old me.

It's so exciting to be back writing, and there's one person to thank for this, but I'm not saying names. Let's just say Mr. Loml lit a fire under my ass I didn't know I needed. So thank you, wherever you are (we've gone no-contact). I also have to thank the friends I made and lost along the way, you've filled my life with so much love and interesting stories I feel are worth telling. And last, but not least, my psych Dominique for making me realize that there are better ways to cope with sadness than alcohol and drugs, which I'll talk about more eventually. But for now, let's just say, you're in for a wild ride (if you decide to stick around and I don't kill this blog again)

Did you miss me? Because I definitely missed you.

-TBFV